“You are no longer a blessing in his life”

Screams broke through the rhythmic voice of the khateeb as I ran out of the prayer in concern. The man’s hand lifted to strike once more as I instinctively lunged to block the blow. By the grace of God, my sudden appearance gave him pause and he did not manage to reach his target. This event marked my moment of entry into the clandestine world of domestic violence within the Muslim community. “Let him deal with the fact that you are no longer a blessing in his life.”
This statement by Khalid Latif, the chaplain at New York University, was given in a lecture, titled “Real Men Don’t Hit Women,” which was named runner up in the FaithTrust Institute’s 2009 National Sermon Contest. Below, I speak with Khalid Latif about this elusive and taboo-ridden topic and what we can do to bring light to this topic in our communities.

Why do you think people often become involved with domestic violence issues only after a close friend or family member is harmed?

It becomes hard for many people to understand life beyond their own lived experiences. This in turn leads to us not being able to provide the resources needed by many in our communities who are going through very severe and serious life situations because we are unable to objectively understand the very subjective pains that they are experiencing. It becomes apparent in many situations, including that of domestic violence, where Muslims lose the ability to make relevant our tradition to the masses, both Muslim and non-Muslim alike, because we just don’t understand where people are coming from. This is a sharp contrast to the individual who is the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, who uniquely was able to connect to people who came to him via their lived experiences, not solely his own. It is indicative from the fact that men and women would come and speak to him on their own volition of things that they went through. Examples include, admissions of alcohol consumption and committing of zina, subjects that would be extremely hard to broach with most individuals today, because of the anticipation of a lack of compassion and understanding. They knew that they would be able to speak with him about it and he would listen and be able to understand, even if he hadn’t directly experienced what they had been through.

What can our communities and our spiritual leaders do to address this issue?

First, there’s not really a concept of pastoral care in most Muslim communities. We have a variety of programs in which one can learn Islamic law and theology, but their practical implementation is neither taught nor easily understood. As a result, counseling becomes subjective to and limited by an Imam’s or Khateeb’s own experiences. There also has to be a willingness to admit whether one is truly qualified to take on tasks that they are presented with. If I am unable to connect with the American Muslims or reach beyond my own ethnic group or generation, then I have to admit my shortcoming for the sake of the community.

When a person unleashes years of pain and pent up frustration as a result of being a victim of abuse, he/she asks “Why did this happen to me?” “Does Allah love me?” “Can I be angry with Allah?” No one has definite answers that will offer complete contentment but these questions still need to be asked so at the very least, services and programming can be approached more strategically with an understanding that those questions are out there and need to be dealt with.

We must broaden our conversations concerning gender. We delineate the rights and responsibilities of women, but rarely do we speak about the roles allocated to men via our paradigm. Who is teaching our boys how to be men? Our banal conversation on gender can’t get past the question of whether or not it’s permissible for a boy and girl to speak to each other. As such, we don’t know how to treat the other gender because we don’t understand our own.

Statistically speaking, it takes a victim 6-8 times to leave an abusive situation. Does this statistic have the potential of being even higher in our communities?

It’s definitely higher. For most, the person that they marry will be the first person they are intimate with. It’ll be the first person that they have a unique trust with, and it’ll be hard to let that go. Every excuse possible will surface in their minds as to why it’s ok for them to be abused because how can they really take on the idea that someone that they love so much is not good for them. Plus, the cultural stigmas surrounding divorce are huge and many are unwilling to help an abused woman break out of a marriage. A person also has to contend with the reality that if he/she opts to end an abusive relationship, he/she very well might be alone for the rest of their lives, which for some people is a lot scarier than getting hit.

How can we deal with instances in which our religious leaders give sermons which, perhaps unintentionally, condone abuse?

We need to raise the bar on who we allow to deliver sermons in our mosques. Our leaders need to be able to critically engage our texts, not regurgitate information. There has to be an understanding of who is in the audience and what impact your words will have on someone different from you.

How can our community address cases of emotional and religious abuse?

We have to be careful who we get married to in the first place. We have to encourage our young people not consent to a marriage that they are not comfortable with.

As a community we also have to set up viable institutions for counseling, mediation and ultimately shelter for those who have been abused. The Muslim community is a very unhappy community. We don’t deal with anxiety issues or mental health problems in an effective and systematic way. My faith is intrinsically linked to my emotional physical self. If either of those is being abused, it’s going to damage my spirituality.

How do you suggest our readers get involved in the issue of domestic violence in the Muslim community?

If you have an innate ability to be a good listener, then be willing to listen, whether a person is close to you or not. And if you aren’t meant to be a counselor, then find out what you are good at and give that back to the community. When you don’t, the rest of us lose out on the blessing that is uniquely you.
Sarrah Abulughod is part of the leadership of the D.C. Green Muslims, a group intent on highlighting the importance of being environmentally conscious and eco-friendly from an Islamic perspective. Sarrah also serves her community by being an active community outreach volunteer for the Domestic Violence Resource Project and serves as a board member with the Muslim Public Service Network.