Well, it’s finally happened. I knew intellectually that it would but was not prepared for when it actually hit. The first of my daughter’s friends just got engaged. My daughter is 19. Her friend is also 19. Nineteen is younger than 20 and 20 is still a baby. To say I’m having a little trouble wrapping my brain around this concept is an understatement.
In most cases, I’d like to think I’m a pretty prepared mom. In fact, attention to detail is a hallmark of my role as a mother—I had my daughter’s dress for the first day of kindergarten picked out six months before the school year began. And as a Muslim mom I’ve debated my daughter’s choice of wardrobe, school and friends both with myself and with her. But I’m not sure how much of a say I’m going to get in her choice of a husband.
And here’s my dilemma: How to walk the line between the arranged marriages of my parents’ generation and the wild, dating free-for-all that her non-Muslim friends engage in. My parents met once before their wedding and I have relatives who met for the first time on their wedding day. Conversely, non-Muslim friends tell stories of dating and having relationships with as many, many men before they found the one they married. My daughter would never consent to the first choice and I would never agree to the second. So, what are our options?
Yes, there are Muslim matrimonial dinners and Muslim versions of speed dating. However, the only way my daughter would attend one of those functions is with a hefty check from me tucked in her back pocket, that is to say not voluntarily and certainly not happily. Her American sensibilities would balk at the idea of finding a mate in what she would consider an artificial, contrived situation. And her belief that only a nerdy mama’s boy who is unable to find a wife on his own attends these events is an attitude I’m not sure I disagree with.
But do I trust a young woman still in her teens or early twenties to make the most important decision of her life entirely on her own? In an ideal world she would meet Mr. Right in a perfectly modest, Islamic scenario over which her father and I would have some control. But what would this setup look like and what are the chances of it taking place? I wrestle with the idea of how to marry (pun intended) her concept of romantic love with my pragmatism and desire for parental control? I’m at a loss and hope that she will find some paragon of virtue in a wholesome and organic fashion – perhaps chastely sitting beside her in class or putting up sheetrock at a Habitat for Humanity home raising or standing in line at a local bank where he is depositing his first check from his philanthropic start-up.
If my fantasy scenarios fail to materialize, I realize that the chances of meeting prospective Muslim mates remain limited, while the opportunities to connect with non-Muslim mates are easy and ubiquitous. But as the always-prepared mom, I am laying some groundwork. Operating on the premise that kids deprived of candy throughout their childhood will go bat-sh** crazy when left unsupervised in a candy store, my husband and I have tried not to make our children’s interactions with the opposite sex illicit or taboo. All three of our children have healthy relationships with Muslim members of the opposite sex; they have skied, camped, roamed Universal and Disney theme parks, picnicked, and hung out and goofed off in relatively un-chaperoned environments with groups of other boys and girls. We can do this because we know and respect the other children and their families, as well as understand the limits of our own children’s personalities.
And yet, I hear complaints, numerous and vociferous, about Muslim youth intermingling. People have grumbled that there were young adults socializing at the last ISNA (Islamic Society of North America) conference in Washington, D.C. During the month of Ramadan, people voiced concerns that young, single men and women lingered and chatted after the Taraweah prayers at the mosques. Seriously? These are the same people who will be complaining anew when their offspring and nieces and nephews bring home their non-Muslim soul mate.
So, while I don’t have all the answers, at least I am aware of the problems of trying to find Muslim spouses for my children while navigating the fine line between dating and not. Oh, and that my daughter is too young to be engaged…that is all I know on the subject of love and marriage.
Nausheena Ahmed was born in England, raised in Canada and is currently living in New Jersey. She is busy raising three kids whose names she never wants to see on a front page with the words “serial killer” or “psychopath” beside them.
