Dear M,
I am 37-years-old, and am a well-educated, professional woman. I have been divorced for ten years and the loneliness is killing me. My daughter just turned 18 and is heading off to college so I feel it is a good time to for me to remarry. I have been actively looking for a few months, but already I feel defeated. Local matchmaking events, online dating sites, and referrals from personal friends, all lead me to losers. My job is important to me so quitting or relocating is not an option, but all the men I have come across seem to want a woman who will be a housewife. They also seem uninterested in learning new things or doing new things, which doesn’t match my young, adventurous spirit. In fact, I find I have more in common with younger men, but I worry that they might be using me to obtain a green card or that they will leave me later for a younger woman. Please tell me that I will find a good husband.
Hopeless.
Dear Hopeless,
How proud you must be to have raised a daughter who’s ready for college and independent life! Whether or not you will find a good husband is in Allah’s hands of course. I can, however, guarantee you that good Muslim men exist, including ones who are compatible with you.
It sounds like you’re burned out, frustrated and skeptical about men. My recommendation is that you take a short break from the search. Focus on yourself and engage in activities/interests that make you happy. In the meantime, make plenty of dua and create a list in which you delineate things you can offer to your future spouse and qualities you expect him to bring to the relationship. A specific list of what you want will help you sort through the “bad apples” and focus on strong suitors based on compatibility. And remember you don’t need to speak to or meet with everyone who contacts you online or in person. You don’t need to say yes to every single recommendation from family and friends. Provide your family and friends with the list so they can screen the men before recommending them to you.
Once you’re ready to return to the “dating” scenes, give everyone a clean slate. Don’t carry one bad experience with a man to the next one. Learn a lesson from that experience but know that the next person is not your last partner. I wish you best of luck on your search for a suitable spouse.
M
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Dear M,
In the last two months I’ve attended about ten weddings. It seems everyone is getting hitched! I have loads of Aunts in my community who keep asking when will I tie the knot, to which I politely reply, “Only God knows.” They usually respond with a pitying nod. Afterwards, I hear them gossiping about me, saying, “She is 22 and still not married, what is wrong with her? She must be super high-maintenance and picky!”
I don’t want to settle but the constant questions are causing me to feel anxious and impatient. I prefer a more traditional courtship, but my parents are not a whole lot of help in introducing me to eligible men. So I really don’t know how I’m going to get married. What should I do?
Feeling Pressured.
Dear Feeling Pressured,
I applaud you for not wanting to settle, even with all the pressure to marry and marry now. Society can be unrealistic and insensitive when it comes to unmarried women.
Your answer to the pestering ladies in your community is excellent! I recommend you step it up a notch by adding, ”Well Aunty, do you have a suitable candidate for me?” or “Do you know a good man who’s ready for marriage and compatible with me?” The idea is to bring awareness to the idea that the whole community is responsible for helping single men and women find a suitable spouse. Why place the burden on a single woman’s shoulders?
Since you say your parents are not particularly involved in helping you find a partner, I recommend exploring online matrimonial sites. It’s rather unconventional, but really provides singles with a huge range of possibilities. You can be as conservative or as liberal as you wish depending on the matrimonial site and the methodology you select. For example, some of these websites offer a personalized matchmaking service. In other words, you will be assigned a highly involved relationship manager, who does all the background researches on the prospective groom on your behalf.
On and offline, it is important to be yourself. Hold fast your values and do what your brain and your gut—not the community!– tells you is right for you.
M.
M is a skilled dating coach with many years of experience in helping women find suitable spouses online. She utilizes lessons learned from her own personal experience along with decades of proven professional skills as a business consultant with focus on human behaviors, communication and relationship development.
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