Relationships

<< From the AltMuslimah Archives >>
The word “dating” stirs a lot of controversy among Muslims, but can and should we work with this term to suit a Muslim-American context and facilitate a larger conversation on gender relations? Are expressions such as “talking” and “getting to know each other” euphemisms that limit our ability to fully engage in honest discussion, or are they a useful way of distinguishing courtship practices among Muslims from secular practices usually associated with the term “dating”?

On my first day of university my father had four words of advice. “Don’t talk to boys!” In his mind boys were the root of all evil and the source of much danger. Although I did not follow the letter of his law, the advice stayed in the back of my mind. Flash forward ten years and I am in IKEA with my three-year-old daughter. She is wandering around the children’s section checking out the toys while a two year old boy checks her out. He conspicuously follows her around the toy bins and finally works up the nerve to ask her to play.

Another school year is in full swing. Frat houses around the country are once again swollen with partygoers and intoxicated youth. Sunday mornings once again mark the regret of thousands of young women who hooked-up the night prior and either cannot remember what they did, or do remember and are trying to forget. Another hook-up season is in full swing.

About a week or so ago, I was invited to participate in a town hall focusing on religious freedom in America and the contagion of so-called “anti-Sharia” legislation around the country when the topic of Muslim sister wives arose. By way of background, approximately 50 “anti-Sharia” bills have been introduced in more than 20 states and three have passed, including those in Oklahoma, Louisiana and Tennessee.

Too many Muslims are involved in marriages that devolve into an empty observation of duties and an equally vacuous demand for the fulfillment of rights. While such practices are laudable in their proper context, when they are divorced from kindness, consideration, empathy, and true commitment they define marriages that become a fragile caricature. Such relationships are irreparably shattered by a silly argument, a few wrinkles on the face, or a few unwanted pounds around the waist. << From the AltMuslimah Archives >>

“Why are you majoring in that field?” I asked a sister in college. She sighed, “To be honest, I just want to get married. I don’t really care about what I’m studying right now. I’m just waiting to get hitched so I can be a wife and a mother.” “It’s awesome that she wants to be a wife and a mother, but why would she put her life on hold?” I wondered. Why would a skilled, passionate young woman create barriers to striving for self-improvement and her ability to be socially transformative when she doesn’t yet have the responsibilities of wifehood or motherhood?

One of the first studies to look at child marriage and mental health has found that American women who married before age 18 are at increased risk of psychological problems. According to the Huffington Post, a study of thousands of women found that marriage before the age of 18 was linked with a greater risk of depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder.

Over the last couple of months, controversy has erupted over a growing movement that argues it is a woman’s Islamic duty to be sexually available and satisfying to her husband. The group calls itself “The Obedient Wives Club,” and it continues to gain traction in south-east Asia and aims to expand to areas of Muslim settlement in the West.