Dear Mo, Salaam, I met a guy through a friend and because things are going well, I’d like to know whether or not he sees a future with me. I am refraining from broaching the subject because so far he and I have not discussed our pasts in detail. Relationship…
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In today’s AskM column, M responds to two women dealing with confusion and ambiguity about the men in their lives.
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I recently decided to step back from actively searching for someone to marry. I’m serious and interested, but aspects of the Muslim matchmaking process are strange for me.
I lost my beloved wife, Joan, just over a year ago. The prospect of starting over with someone new after sixteen years of marriage is daunting. I am a forty-year-old white American male, but I am also Muslim.
I am fascinated by the depth of emotion and expression of diverse perspectives evoked by the Love InshAllah blogpost “How I met my son’s mother” by Mezba Mahtab. Women and men, married and unmarried, single by choice and by chance, spoke up, and, in light of their personal stories, explained why the piece was based on ill-founded notions and this approach to marriage is detrimental to our communities.
The online community may be up in arms over the issue, but the truth is, this “buyer’s market” (as Aisha Saeed aptly called it in her response) isn’t going anywhere.
In exactly one month, I will turn 30. See, you’re doing it too! I can practically hear you doing it. Something as subtle as one raised eyebrow, a slight widening of the eyes, or an uncomfortable shuffling of the feet. Or something a little more vocal: “The Big 3-0!” you’ll boom. Or “Wow, the dirty thirty!” My turning 30, it seems, holds more weight, more momentous heft for everyone else than it does for me.
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I shouldn’t take this any further. Apart from not being true, it’s a diatribe that obfuscates something deeper (just as the parallel, but unnervingly more standard retreat, “Where are all the good Muslim men?” does). The degree of intelligent, sincere, socially conscious, and admirable Muslim women I meet is staggering, many of whom in a previous life I wouldn’t have hesitated asking out to dinner to get to know better. Yet, I find myself simply put off by Muslim women. << From the AltMuslimah Archives >>
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A recent article on altmuslimah.com entitled “Searching for Khadijah: A boy’s perspective” by Sajid Hassan garnered quite a bit of attention as evidenced by the long string of passionate comments it received, far more than most other articles on Altmuslimah. The article described the pressure that professional Muslim American women face from their families and their social circles to get married in their early twenties, because it becomes much more difficult to find a partner once they hit their thirties.
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One of the many issues Altmuslimah covers is the Muslim marriage crisis—not just the difficulty many Muslim women encounter when trying to find suitable matches but also the rising divorce rate in the Muslim American community. Altmuslimah has featured several commentaries on these and related topics. In her article, When I Think About Marrying, Zeba Iqbal explored the sheer irony of being told throughout her life that one’s level of education and professional success defines success, only to later be labeled a failure because she hadn’t also been able to secure a husband.
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Young American-Muslims find themselves walking the tight rope between conservative Muslim traditions and liberal American culture. Because of this, Gen X and Gen Y Muslims are well-positioned to pave the way for change. Nearly all have “dated” vicariously through non-Muslim friends. Simultaneously many take their faith seriously and have a sincere desire to propagate it.
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